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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24517378">Who Steals a Roomba?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifigal90/pseuds/Scifigal90'>Scifigal90</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Children, Demon Summoning, POV Outsider, Police, Roombas, Whiskey - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:01:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24517378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifigal90/pseuds/Scifigal90</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex was having a bad day and now it just got worse.  Who breaks into a home just to steal a Roomba and one bottle of whiskey?</p><p>The effects on the people Crowley steals a Roomba from in the first chapter of Roomba of Doom.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who Steals a Roomba?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23066155">Roomba of Doom</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster">GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic is based on the first chapter of Roomba of Doom by GayDemonicDisaster.  It will probably not make a whole lot of sense if you haven't read it.  Basically, Crowley is summoned by a Roomba.  To get out of the summoning circle, Crowley gave sentience to the vacuum and took the it home with him.  He also drinks a bottle of whiskey.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alex had an absolutely stupid day at work.  There were endless meetings with people who didn’t seem to say anything at all but still patted themselves on the back for accomplishing something with the meeting.  Finally, the day was done, all that was left was to pick up the kids up and run to the grocery store quickly.  All Alex wanted right now was a cuddle with her wife, Eleanor.</p><p>Walking into the apartment, the kids took off for their bedroom, Alex walked the groceries into the kitchen and started putting them away.  She prepared the chicken to put in the oven.  Hopefully dinner would be ready within the hour.  Alex was starving.</p><p>Menial task completed; Alex went in search of her wife.  Eleanor was standing in the middle of the living room,  staring at the alcohol cabinet.  Alex came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist and rested her chin on Eleanor’s shoulder.</p><p>“What’s up?”</p><p>“Something is off and I can’t place it.” Eleanor replied. </p><p>“Hmm.” Alex took in the room.  Everything seemed to be in place, just as it was left last night before everyone went to bed. Toys had been shoved into bins, tv turned off, glasses of wine taken to the sink to be washed up later.</p><p>Alex took a deep breath;  the room smelled the sa… no wait.  It didn’t.  Under the smell of the home was something else.  There was something of fire and smoke, with a little bit of spice thrown in, almost as if someone was making Christmas themed s’mores. Alex disengaged from Eleanor and began to walk around the room, quietly cataloguing the furniture, the toys, the books.  Nothing seemed out of place but like Eleanor said, something was off.</p><p>Eleanor was still staring at the alcohol cabinet.  They should really move it to the kitchen.  The kids couldn’t get to it, too high for them and normally had a child-lock on it, but they were always worried about something getting knocked out of it.  So why was it now flung open?  “Did we leave this open last night”</p><p>“I don’t think so,” Eleanor answered, “I don’t remember.”  She went to the cabinet peered into it, counting the stock.  Something was missing.  “Did you open the Talsiker without me?”</p><p>“The one you gave me for my birthday?” Alex strolled over, peering into the cabinet. “Of course not, we were going to drink that together.”</p><p>“It seems to be missing. All the other alcohol is here.  That one is gone.  Are you sure you didn’t take it?”</p><p>“I didn’t.  I wouldn’t.  I had plans for that.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah.  Some weekend when your mum could take the kids. You and I were going to get drunk and having hours of sex.”  Alex tried to say the last this last part in a flirty manner.</p><p>“Hmm.  That sounds fun.  But then where has it gone?  Do you think we’ve been robbed?”</p><p>“Was the door ajar when you got home?”</p><p>“No.  Locked up like normal.  I just walked past this room and something felt off.”</p><p>“Well let’s check the rest of the house and see if anything else is missing.”</p><p>Eleanor headed off to the children’s bedrooms, while Alex went for the master and the safe hidden in the back of the closet. The safe was still there, door firmly locked.  Alex opened it.  All the documents, including birth certificates, their marriage certificate, and their passports were all there.  Even the couple hundred in emergency cash was still there. Alex quietly locked the safe back up and walked around the bedroom. Everything was in order, Eleanor’s iPad was on the nightstand, the tv was still attached to the wall, the only clothes on the floor were pajamas dropped by the hamper. Alex walked out of the bedroom and met Eleanor in the kitchen.</p><p>“The safe is safe.  All of the documents are there and the emergency fund.” Alex said.</p><p>“The kid’s rooms are good too.  All their toys and piggy banks are there.  No electronics are missing.  The only other thing I can’t find is the Roomba.”</p><p>“Wait, what?” Alex took a second to process this. “How does someone break in just to steal a bottle of whiskey and a robot vacuum?”</p><p>“I have no idea.”</p><p>At that moment, the timer went off, causing Alex and Eleanor to each jump about a foot. Eleanor said, “You get that, I’ll call the police.”  Eleanor went off to make the phone call, leaving Alex to sort out dinner.  Fortunately, the timer was the <em>make the sides</em> timer and not the <em>chicken is done</em> timer.  Alex always set two timers, one for whatever was shoved into the oven and one for making sure the sides got done.  Alex had a habit of getting deeply sidetracked.  More than once they had sat down to a dinner composed solely of the main dish and nothing else.</p><p>Twenty minutes later, the kids, Rory and Lily, were sat at the table while the police officer sent over was in discussion with their moms. The girls had no idea why a police officer was in their house but they thought it was cool and would be discussing this at every opportunity for the two weeks. They didn’t actually eat any of their dinner until the officer left and their mothers sat down to eat.</p><p>The officer had taken Eleanor’s and Alex’s statement. He suggested changing the locks due to the lack of forced entry. Hopefully the burglar didn’t have a key, but you didn’t want to make it easy for them to comeback.</p><p>Days and then weeks passed by.  They changed out the locks.  Alex went out and bought another bottle of whiskey.  The wives did have their romantic night in.  Eleanor’s mom came and got the girls.  Alex and Eleanor shared the whiskey, while watching a movie, eventually turning into a snog session on the couch. One of them eventually decided it was high time to move this to the bedroom, taking the whiskey with them.</p><p>The Christmas campfire smell took a week to completely dissipate.  Alex and Eleanor debated the merits of buying another Roomba.  They couldn’t come to a consensus. The old vacuum was dug out of the back of the closet and used in the meantime.</p><p>One Saturday morning, the doorbell rang. Alex and Eleanor were not expecting anyone. Alex went to open the door.  She thought it might be that neighbor coming by to complain about something again.  What she found when she opened the door was the oddest couple.  The blonde-haired man was dressed as if he stepped out of a BBC historical drama, while the other man looked like an old goth, black on black on black.</p><p>The blonde one started talking.  “Hello.  I’m terribly sorry to disturb you but we’re here to replace your whisky and robot hoover.”</p><p>How was this man this chipper on a Saturday morning? Evidently, the goth man agreed because he grouched, “Roomba, angel.”</p><p>“Right yes, Roomba!” Then he blinded Alex with a smile while the goth was clearly rolling his eyes despite the sunglasses.</p><p>“I’m sorry, but do I know you?”</p><p>“No, sorry dear girl.  I’m A.Z. Fell and this is husband Anthony Crowley.  We wanted to return the items my husband took.”</p><p>“He took them? Why?” </p><p>The goth man, Anthony, who was apparently the burglar in question, rolled his eyes again.  Clearly, he didn’t want to be there.  This was definitely not his idea and he had no problem showing it.  Mr. Fell spoke again. “Well, as I understand it, your Roomba accidentally preformed a summoning with a rug you own.” Anthony snarked something in another language to Fell. Fell returned the comment with something that sounded like an admonishment. He turned back to Alex. “Anyway, Crowley here had to give your Roomba sentience to get out of the summoning circle.  Apparently, what the vacuum wanted was a child free, mess free living, so Crowley took it with him. It seems to be quite happy in Crowley’s apartment.”</p><p>“I’m sorry but what?”  Were these two off their rockers? A summoning? Sentience for a vacuum cleaner?  Why were these two crazy men on her doorstep this early in the morning?</p><p>“Your Roomba, whose name is Bob by the way, summoned Crowley here by way of a rug in your living room. Seeing as a Roomba can’t make demand and deals, Crowley had to give it sentience to get out.  Bob wanted to live somewhere else, so Crowley took him home.”  Fell smiled again.  “Oh, and Crowley drunk your whiskey.”  The thief was currently staring off  down the hallway.  He didn’t seem to care about what was happening. </p><p>“Ok, let me get this straight, you are giving us a new Roomba and a bottle of whiskey because he stole it?  And your cover story for the theft is a summoning and magic? That’s what you are going with?”  Alex was losing whatever patience she had.</p><p>Eleanor came up behind Alex.  “Hey babe, what’s taking so long.  Who’s this?”</p><p>Fell lit up again. “Hello I’m A.Z Fell and this is my husband Anthony Crowley.  We were just trying to replace the items Crowley had ended up taking.” Crowley rolled his eyes again.  Eleanor looked as baffled as Alex felt.</p><p>“Apparently, Crowley was summoned to the house by the vacuum, so ended up taking it and the whiskey.” Alex rolled her eyes. This was the most ridiculous story she had heard and she had a toddler.</p><p>“Should we call the police?” Eleanor whispered in her ear.</p><p>Alex shrugged, “Maybe.”</p><p>“I don’t think there is any reason to get the police involved dears.” Fell was all polite words but there was a hint of some suggestion in his voice and suddenly Alex was not worried about the thieves showing up at her door.  For some reason, the goth one whipped his head around when Fell spoke this time.  His jaw dropped and there was a gleeful expression on his face. </p><p>“I guess just hand it over then.” Eleanor spoke.  She seemed to be under the same sort of trance as Alex.  Fell handed over a grey paper shopping bag to Eleanor.  Eleanor opened the bag and pulled out a brand new, still in the box, Roomba and a bottle of Talisker.</p><p>“Ok, they have it. Let’s go angel.” The goth said.  Despite being delighted by whatever his partner has done, the goth was still irritated at having to be here.</p><p>“Yes alright,” the blonde replied. The goth took off. Speaking to Alex and Eleanor he said, “It was lovely meeting you.  May we meet on a better occasion.” He smiled again.</p><p>“Oi!” the goth one shouted halfway down the hall. The blonde huffed and followed.</p><p>It was a couple of hours before the trance Alex and Eleanor felt lifted.  When it did, they made a police report about the strange men.  The Roomba and the whiskey came back showing no signs of being tampered with.  They still didn’t trust it and both the Roomba and the whiskey sat untouched for years.</p>
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